Friends With Kids (2011/Lionsgate Blu-ray)/Melrose Place: The Final Season, Volume One + Volume Two (1998 – 1999/Season Seven/CBS DVD Sets)

 

Picture: B-/C+     Sound: B-/C+     Extras: C-/D     Main Programs: D

 

 

How bad have relationship dramas become?  Can comedy really help out?  Do they know what comedy is when they mess up everything else?  That occurred to me when I watched a few recent releases

 

 

Jennifer Westfeldt is not a good actress, writer, producer or director.  She penned the forgettable Kissing Jessica Stein and bomb Ira & Abby.  With no one left to direct her, she decided to make her directing debut for what turns out to be her latest vanity project, Friends With Kids (2011), which is one of the biggest wastes of supporting talent I have ever seen in my life and is the biggest vanity project in recent memory.

 

One of the worst New York movies in a long time (even somehow worse that James L. Brooks’ bomb How Do You Know from 2010) has drained-looking SNL alum Kristen Wiig and Maya Rudolph, the usually hilarious Chris O’Dowd, Jon Hamm, Edward Burns, Adam Scott and even Megan Fox (who comes across as more natural than Westfeldt!!!) do the worst project they may ever do (even with claims that Mike Nicols initially helped out on this project; too bad he did not stay) as the characters (cardboard as they are) go back and fourth, bickering too often, being toxic and dysfunctional and even having something resembling sex.  That is how they have kids more often than expected here.

 

Too bad they seem unprepared for them and just about anything else here, but it is Westfeldt whose character gets the most attention and wow, that gets thin very early and very, very quickly.  This is every cliché we have ever seen, zero ironic distance about anything, no one talks this way in real life and it even make New York look bad when it actually shows it.

 

Abortion has never looked like such a good idea and even yuppies of the world should be offended at just how unfunny and shrill this is.  Don’t operate heavy machinery when watching and for your sake, make sure that list includes HDTV and HD projectors!

 

Extras (I am trying not to laugh or get sick) include a gag with option commentary (?!?), Deleted Scenes with optional commentary, feature length audio commentary track with some participants including (surprise!) Westfeldt, MJ Rocks At Video Games (don’t ask) with option commentary, a Making Of featurette and Ad-libs/Bloopers section that rounds out one of the worst set of bonus features ever.

 

 

So what shallowness is out there that I could compare this mess too?  The lack of wit, realism, lack of sexual realism or sexual maturity demonstrated by long, long, long 107 minutes total waste of time?  How about a second-generation nighttime soap opera like Melrose Place: The Final Season, Volume One + Volume Two (1998 – 1999)?

 

Yes, it was the final season of the original cast though Heather Locklear was credited as a guest star, maybe in hopes that fans would watch to see here evil character killed, but it is amusing how much activity happens in the swimming pool area of the show.  This was always a trash show that was no Dynasty, but even Aaron Spelling knew it was time to wrap it up and this is just boring, silly and dumb throughout, yet it (unlike the title above) never pretends to be more than it is and that is really a season to give the loyal fans closer because there is no other reason to have made this season.  Start at the beginning if you must (skip the revival version too) and see if you get as far as this conclusive set of 35 hour-long shows over two DVD sets.

There are no extras.

 

 

The 1080p 1.78 X 1 digital High Definition image transfer on Friends is a badly shot and even slightly styled down (for no reason) that has no character, more than its share of motion blur and would rate lower if it were any worse (I cannot imagine how much worse this mess would look on DVD) and again, even degrades New York City.  Even color is not 100%.  The 1.33 X 1 image on both Melrose sets originated on 35mm film and though these copies were finished on NTSC professional video to edit and add credits, this does not look bad for its recent age and actually has character the Friends lacks.  Still expect some softer shots.

 

The DTS-HD MA (Master Audio) 5.1 lossless mix on Friends is towards the front speakers, not always well recorded and even shrill, but has some fullness that stops it from sounding worse.  The lossy Dolby Digital 2.0 Stereo across the episodes of Melrose is more well recorded throughout, but lacks depth and dimensionality throughout.  Nevertheless, it seems more consistent than Friends, which mixes hits songs with a very awkward score by the band The 88.

 

A California Pop Rock band with influenced by The Knack, they were a very promising indie band a few years ago, but when they changed members, they became too laid back for their own good and started to coast.  Their music here seems the opposite of anything about New York, the instrumentals are not memorable and yet again, they recycle their hit Coming Home for the hundredth time.

 

Time for something new and energetic again, which goes for everyone involved in Friends With Kids!

 

 

-   Nicholas Sheffo