Blood, Guts &
Vampires Collection (Razor Digital
Sound: D†††† Extras: D†††† Films: D
Razor Digital has put together a few different packages
that include 3-D films from their catalogue - this six-film set being one of
them.† There is also a larger box
offered which includes all the movies offered here (Evil Unleashed: The
Mummy being the sole exception) dubbed 3-D Theater with two pairs of
the special stereoscopic 3-D glasses needed to view these films as they were
intended, along with several other titles to sweeten the deal a little
bit.† While I can't speak personally for
the larger set mentioned above, I definitely have more than a few words to say
about the moviemaking standards presented in the collection at hand.
First off - these movies are abysmal.†
Coming from a guy who loves cheap horror, these would have to be pretty
low on the rung for me to go that far with my critique.† It is true, though - just about any sane
person will have a hard time coming up with what was going on in the creators'
heads.† I could understand if these were
pornos done on the cheap and then disguised as low budget horror movies... but
the nudity level is too low overall, which rules that one out.† Even the one showcasing stripping
vampirettes is a puzzling one - as these strippers bare very little skin, and
their dancing involves nervously strutting about with no eroticism or mystique
at all.† In fact, the most intense
"seductively seducing" (sic) dancing you'll be seeing comes from an
ancient dancing mummy chick... complete with rotted away face and bandaged in
gauze from head to toe. Well, maybe the real stripper they hired to do the job
for Blood Sisters pulled it off better, but that's another story.
I didn't have the 3-D glasses necessary to view these movies properly on
purpose to judge the content, but judging from what others online had to say,
the effect doesn't work all the time, and when it does - expect something less
than extraordinary.† Glasses or not,
you'll still have the option of viewing the 2-D version of each one of the
films.† I imagine that seeing
three-dimensional boobs on TV might heighten the experience of these movies
somewhat, but never to the point where I could honestly recommend watching even
one of these movies the whole way through.
Right now I'll provide a brief description of each of the movies included so
you have some idea what you'd get if you decided to follow through with a
purchase.† In no particular order...
Hunting Season is a basic and clunky rip-off of the cult classic I Spit
On Your Grave, but done without any artistry, purpose, or merit that film
possesses.† There is a large twist
involved here, but it's blatantly announced long before it is actually revealed
to the audience, and once the revelation does come about, the film still plods
on for several more minutes into even more embarrassing and stupid territory.
Bloody Tease and Blood Sisters both involve groups of female
vampires looking for fresh blood in their own ways - the former by posing as
strippers who suck the blood of their would be clients; the latter posing as
sorority sisters who lure away college guys and the occasional stripper to
leech a little blood from.
Zombie Chronicles... "In the tradition of
Tales From The Crypt and Dawn Of The Dead" my ass.† Skip this one above all, you'll feel better.
Evil Unleashed: The Mummy... a dancing mummy.† That's all you need to know.
Lastly, Camp Blood - a boring slasher movie featuring someone in a scary
clown mask mowing down people in the woods.
Onward to video and sound.† Both are
terrible here - poorly recorded video, and even worse audio to accompany
it.† Repetitive MIDI guitar riffs and
synthesized scores are everywhere, with no redubbing or credible sound effects
added - itís honestly like every sound effect was pulled off of a single home
PC editing program that would retail for about $9.99 and slapped into the
movies with no regards of how it fit. All of the features are presented in full
screen, as they were made exclusively to cash in on the video market.† It's hard to tell how good the mastering was
on these, as the photography is constantly shoddy and the digital video causes
a lot of problems with color and lighting.
Stay away from this particular set - you might get a few laughs out of watching
these in 3-D with your friends over one sitting, but after that you'll be left
with a stack of shiny new coasters.† If
you must get this, please don't watch it alone, and don't say I didn't warn
you.† Weíll review Razorís 3-D kit when
we return, but know that these titles put the D (as in Duh!) into 3-D and
thatís not a good thing.
-†† David Milchick