Private Valentine –
Blonde & Dangerous (2007/Sony
DVD)
Picture: C Sound:
C+ Extras: D Feature: D
Steve Miner has been making Horror films since the 1980s,
but worst than Jason or any other torture porn killer around, he has found his
most perfect monster yet:
Jessica Simpson!
Private Valentine – Blonde & Dangerous (2007)
is one of the worst films of any year and though this is no Horror film and
Simpson could never be Joan Crawford to Miner-as-William Castle, the script
reads like it was beaten into nothingness by a wire hanger.
Simpson plays (here’s a stretch) a tired, phony, pathetic
movie star. After getting drunk one
night (she survives!) decides to join the Army in what turns out to be Private Benjamin for the idiotic. Goldie Hawn should sue.
Vivica A. Fox and Cheri Oteri are wasted, then Steve
Guttenberg shows up! This is so bad it
is almost offensive in the worst way and as for Simpson in the military (she
could not even sing the theme from 9 To
5 at a Dolly Parton tribute!), talk about giving aid and comfort to the
enemy. Needless to say this is Miner’s
worst film and that says something. If
anyone asks you about this atrocity, don’t enact any “don’t ask, don’t tell
policy”, tell them to stay away!
The anamorphically enhanced 2.35 X 1 image is very soft
and looks like a bad HD shoot with motion blur, lack of detail and some of the
lamest composition around. The Dolby
Digital 5.1 mix is wishful thinking and stretches the barley stereo sound to
the speakers thinly, save the music at times.
Extras (haaaaaaaaa!) include a making of featurette and pathetic making
of featurette.
- Nicholas Sheffo
