I Am Virgin (2010/Cheezy Flicks DVD)
Picture:
C- Sound: C Extras: D Feature: D
It has
been said that the coming of the Internet was both a blessing and a curse to
pornography. Free access to virtually
limitless hardcore smut has shaved away whatever vestiges of effort were left
in the neglected corners of pornographic filmmaking. Away with plotlines, they take too much
time. Dialogue? How’s “Ooh” and “Oh baby” strike you? Production values? Don’t make me laugh. Stick a set of boobs in front of that
camera-phone and we’ll call it a day.
Even the familiar cable guy and pizza delivery boy scenarios are too
much work these days.
Now, far
be it for me to embark on a tirade about “the good old days,” but it may
comfort some old-fashioned connoisseurs of dirty cinema to know that soft-core
parody porn is not entirely dead. Case
in point: I Am Virgin, based loosely
on the 2007 remake/adaptation of I Am
Legend. Instead of the last human
surrounded by zombies though, I Am Virgin follows Robby, the last human
surrounded by sex vampires. Having been
scared off sex by his parents though, Robby spends the entire movie spying on
randy vamps before getting chased away as they try to hijack his puritanical
junk.
The
production values for what is essentially porn are fairly decent, but still
pretty terrible by feature film standards.
The film was clearly shot on video and it shows in the 16:9 widescreen
image. The release has no information
about the audio formatting, but aside from the scoring the audio was clearly
all recorded on location, resulting in an echo-y and sloppy-sounding product.
There are
two special features on the disc. The
first is a Behind the Scenes feature which serves the same purpose as the
film. Instead of watching sex-vampires,
you get to watch actresses playing sex-vampires. The other extra feature is a commentary
track. Personally though, listening to
the overweight male filmmakers whisper in your ear while you watch porn seems
like an awful idea.
There’s
no getting around exactly what I Am
Virgin really is. It’s soft core
parody porn. If that’s your thing,
great. But if you’re looking for a
hilarious, family-friendly romp through pop culture satire, go find something
produced by the Wayans brothers.
- Matthew Carrick
